Wedding night, honeymoon and the trend in the other room

Stanley Ugagbe

Stanley Ugagbe

For some reasons that defy explanations, I have been indifferent about tailoring this piece but since I conceived the idea, it has been lingering and echoing in my head. Just yesterday, I could no longer accommodate the voices that have been pressuring me to write this, so, I had to succumb.

In recent weeks, there have been lamentations about how wedding nights and honeymoons are no longer exciting. I was having a tete-a-tete with a friend, whom it seemed the most riveting chapter of the book of lamentations was opened unto him, wondered what went wrong that these days, there is no longer much noise about wedding nights and honeymoon. He, particularly, noted that these days, most new couples no longer look forward excitedly to their wedding night or even give a damn about honeymoon. To him, why this is so, is a conundrum.

Today, I want us to put the above in perspective. While there can be several reasons why the excitement about wedding nights and honeymoon has petered, and though humans are naturally losing interest in lots of things, I want us to look at this critically. Several years before now when people had reverence for private parts, when virginity was glorified, and when an intending couple had no idea of what their partner had in-between their legs, there was everything to look forward to on the wedding night and the honeymoon.

Then, for the intending couple, it was like buying a sealed product, so you are eager to get home to unravel the content and behold its alluring beauty. Both the ‘buyer’ and the ‘buyee’ were eagle to devour each other on their wedding night and continue the escapade during the honeymoon – and that was because their package was completely sealed before the wedding night.

I remember that when I was growing up in my village in Delta State, on the eve of the traditional wedding, the women in the village would assemble in the bride’s house, and one of the key things they would do was to sensitize the bride and prepare her for sexual life in marriage.

They would tell her how the husband would make sexual advances toward her and that she should respond mutually because he is her husband. They would tell her that sex was an integral part of her marriage and that she should be up to the task. This was the custom because it was believed then that any lady that wasn’t married was yet to know a man (carnal knowledge).

The above is a clear demonstration that when the couple eventually signs the dotted lines and meets on their wedding night, there is EVERYTHING to look forward to. The man is excited to unravel his parcel. The woman is also excited to unravel her parcel – so, it is a combo of two people who are eagle to devour each other.

Today, the narrative has completely changed. I don’t have statistics but it’s evident that the majority of people who get married today have been sleeping with each other before the wedding night – and so there is absolutely nothing, I mean nothing to look forward to on the wedding night or honeymoon. I don’t know who changed the rule or where the meeting was held but all of a sudden, having regular sex has become the other of the day among unmarried folks.

While there are many reasons why people are ‘oiling’ in relationships, one of the most crucial ones that is making the headlines is; our sisters are saying ‘I must knack him to see if he can perform before marrying him,’ our brothers are saying ‘I must oil her to see if we are sexually compatible before signing the dotted lines’. Wisdom will not kill this generation.

Having regular sex has become the fulcrum of many relationships and if there is anything like finishing all the ingredients in one’s body, some would romance, lick and knack out everything before marriage (a few days ago, I was having a discussion with a 21-year-old unmarried lady who said there is no more ‘current’ in her body, that ‘people’ have tapped all her current). And because you have eaten all that is therein, there is nothing to look forward to on the wedding night or even honeymoon.

For many people, there is nothing like starting a new chapter or looking forward to something new, rather, after the marriage ceremony, it’s a continuation of their sexual escapades that has been the order since the inception of their relationship.

It’s on this note that I frown at most of our clerics today. They say it’s the celebration of ‘Holy Matrimony’ – for people who have been knacking day-in-day-out, week-in-week-out, month-in-month-out in their relationship?

It’s obvious that most of the supposed clerics we have today are spiritually blind and dead and cannot see anything other than the usual lies of – your miracle is on the way, your village people are pursuing you, etc. I dare to say that in the ‘EARLY CHURCH’ where Peter and the other Apostles were in charge, anyone who has been having illicit sexual affairs in their relationship will dare not climb the altar to be wedded in ‘Holy Matrimony’. You can ask Ananias and Saphira what happened to them when they lied about how much they sold their own land.

And for those who rock their honeymoon, whether they have been knacking before the wedding or not, I want to draw your attention to this present-day tradition of rocking honeymoon in hotels and the likes. While this concept is very good and ecstatic, there are certain things to consider. Scriptures say the marriage bed should be undefiled – you get married and, in a bid, to give yourselves the best treat, you lodge in hotels for your honey money to lay the foundation for your wedding. And there, you lay in a bed that has been used by prostitutes, the deaf, lame, demons, evil spirits, and all manner of people. Perhaps, you get the message!

Finally, I am alarmed about the noise emanating from the other room, especially among the married folks. I don’t know if our aged parents used to pretend or do not used to voice out their worries about sexual issues. All of a sudden, there is so much noise about he’s a two-minute man, my wife’s vagina is too wide, etc. You walk on the street and everywhere is littered with the noise of ‘buy your sexual this, buy your sexual that’. Our sisters are desperately looking for vagina tighteners, our brothers are looking for penis enhancers.

Since the introduction of acrobatics and all manner of styles in the other room, things have not remained the same. All of a sudden, the penis and the vagina are now meant for the mouth – lick plate, blow job, and whatever. I don’t know what to advise on this because from all indications, these anomalies have come to stay.

Whether friendship, relationship, or marriage, let’s hear the conclusion of the matter, fear God, and keep His commandments, for this is the whole duty of man.

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Professor Jideofor Adibe


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