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On Sexuality: Why Most Nigerian Ladies Front for the “D”

Last night, while I was chatting with some friends on Whatsapp, a message popped in. It was one of those jokes that had gone viral online. The said message reads;

How Ladies ask for sex:

White girls: I’m horny babe. I want to fuck.

Naija girls: Stay there and be pressing phone. I will soon go.

This got me laughing and damn, I can totally relate.

Seriously, in this part of the world, it’s difficult to come across a lady that is very much open about her sexual needs. Most of us front for the “D”; pretend like we never get horny. We rather give out the so-called “green light”, then wait for the guy to make the move.

So, when you are alone with a girl in your room and she goes, “Stay there and be pressing phone, I will soon go“, the only message she is trying to pass is, “I’m horny, come and do the needful”.

And woe betide you if you are so colour blind that you fail to notice the green light she is giving.

Okay. Let me give you this scenario.

Boy meets girl online; facebook to be precise. They click. So, they embark on a journey of incessant chats and calls. After some months, they make an arrangement to meet up. Girl visits boy during the weekend. She spends the night. And in an attempt to be a gentleman, boy allows girl sleep in the bedroom while he takes the couch.

The next morning, girl is visibly irritated and asks the boy for her transport fare back home. Boy tries to know what the problem is but the only answer he gets is, “Nothing. I am fine”. She leaves.

Hours later, boy calls girl to know if she got home safely. His calls are ignored and after a while, a message comes in; “This is my worst visit ever. Are you sure you are a man? I spent a whole night at your place and you couldn’t even do anything. I am so disappointed. Don’t ever dial my number again, fool”.

This leaves the boy very confused and he is like, “If she wanted to have sex with me, why didn’t she ask for it?”

You see, I wouldn’t really blame most ladies that find it difficult being open about their sexual desires.

Let’s take a look at how the Nigerian/African society view sex.

According to the society’s point of view, men are designed to ask for sex while women are designed to withhold it. It seems acceptable when a guy pursues a girl with the intent of having sex with her but the moment a lady does the same, people raise their brows in utter disbelief, mouths open in aghast, tongues wag and the lady is labelled a “slut”. Feelings of guilt and shame are bestowed on her.

Most families tend to be more protective toward their daughters. They teach them to suppress or resist their sexuality. Everyone starting from the society to the parents send them this message that being sexual is synonymous with being a slut. It’s indecent and demeaning of their womanhood.

And so, we grow up with the belief that sex is something we give. We see it as something men need to cajole us and work hard for before we then release it reluctantly. We see it as a gift that we give in return for a guy’s love. No wonder it’s so common to hear some ladies say after a breakup that the guy used and dumped them. Isn’t that derogatory? Are you some sort of trash?

Isn’t sex meant to be consensual and mutually enjoyed by people engaging in it? Isn’t it a beautiful and magical experience shared by two responsible adults?

But hey, like I said I won’t blame the ladies that front for the “D” because all they think about is, “What will this guy think of me if I give it up so easy?”.

We need to debunk these myths about a woman being open about her sexuality and allow everyone to enjoy and live freely without slut shaming. If she wants some “D”, she should be free to ask for it without being scared of the guilt and shame.

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