If Only I Have An Ass To Die For 

So I was having a discussion with my friends yesterday evening. We were actually coming back from work and with the skimpy gown I was wearing; my cleavage was showing a little bit. Not that it was intentional though.

One of my friends was like, “Ann, must you always show off your boobs?” The question actually got me laughing out my ribs and I went all defensive. “No now, I didn’t know my boobs were showing”, I replied while trying to adjust my dress.

“Abeg, allow her to show off her asset jaree”, one of them said and everyone rolled with laughter. She continued, “I swear, if I had breast eeh, I just pity guys. Seriously I pity them”. Okay, the girl in question is really skinny with a flat chest and a flat backside. Let’s just say she is like the letter “I”.

“Oh well, that’s why God didn’t bother giving you boobs now. He knows you will misuse the gift”, another girl chipped in and again we laughed.

When the laughter died down, I actually kept thinking about what the last girl said. I mean, God, the supreme being that knows the end from the beginning does not bless us with any gift if he knows we will end up being assholes. Sometimes I imagine that I was late on the last day of creation when God was busy giving out ass to every lady. Maybe we were on a queue and when it finally got to my turn, God paused and looked at me very well then shook his head and told me to go.

I imagine him saying something like, “Dear creature, it’s not wise to give you this ass, you will misuse it” and I would have shrugged and walked away because well, I was obviously too innocent to understand the importance of having an ass.

But thinking about it now, if God made the mistake of giving me an ass, mehn, I pity guys because many hearts would be broken. I would have been so bitchy that I would have no friends. My motto would have been, “My ass, my everything”. Like, I would have been that stupid. If I had an ass, I mean the one that makes a lady have this hourglass shape, I can’t imagine myself sitting down in a place for long.

I would go for events dressed in my high waist jean and crop top. Heck, I can even go to church dressed like that and when anyone tries to give me that judgmental look, I’d simply tell them that I am only showcasing the handiwork of God. I mean the ass is real and it was single-handedly given to me by God so why would you tell me to conceal it?

I know I can twerk real good, now imagine I had a good ass for it. I’d probably have a social media handle created for my ass and each morning I wake up, I’d make a video of myself twerking then post it on all the social media handles. In fact, I would be the second “Janemena”.

Sometimes when I see ladies that are fully endowed but still humble, I wonder how they do it. Well, las las, this our God is not stupid sha. He knows the beginning from the end. He knows us better than we know ourselves and he blesses us with gifts that he knows we can handle.

While I was in Law school, there was this guy asking one of my friends out. Dude was really cute with beards to die for. And because he knew how cute he was, he kept parading the whole school asking different girls out.

Dude just liked feeling himself but the only problem he had was that he was really close to the ground. I remember one of my friends saying something like, “If this guy was tall eeh, he would have been a chronic playboy”. And that’s true. Perhaps that’s why God didn’t bother giving him a cool height because he knew this dude would actually end up misusing it.

Like I said, God blesses us with gifts that we can handle. For those of us still hustling, sometimes I think God deliberately allows us to hustle real hard not because he can’t bless us with the riches we crave for but because he knows we wouldn’t use it very well when it comes.

So, he let’s us hustle, let’s us climb the ladder of success slowly so that by the time we get to the top, we would have learnt how to appreciate the riches and success handed down to us.

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