Some deployed deceitful mechanisms and were mistakenly voted to elective offices, but if carefully rescreened with their sordid past and present cases of malfeasance, are not better than street urchins, armed robbers and rogues who later transformed to full scale banditry in their localities that the larger society is compelled to battle but are in leadership shielding their field commanders in crime with official cover.
In some few cases, those classified by the society as miscreants seems more intelligent, educated, vibrant, exposed and patriotic than those in elective offices primarily for personal aggrandizement, ego and sustenance of heinous crimes against their impoverished people domiciled in the localities.
For instance, as part of its extorting spree unchallenged in Wase federal constituency of Plateau State, agricultural tractors disbursed to federal constituencies in 2021 to improve the federal government’s agricultural drive project were hoarded by the messenger until 2022 farming season few of the disbursed number were deployed to the federal constituency, primarily for political gain. The tractors were distributed to benefitting federal wards within the federal constituency but with strings attached.
Revenues generated from the use of the tractors were directed to be lodged into personal accounts of selected individuals for subsequent deployment to the purported re-election bid of their snoring representative who is their albatross to development.
This is a federal constituency known for its notoriety in hoarding disbursed federal palliatives, piecemeal distribution of what rightly belong to the constituents, lopsided offer of ‘lucrative’ federal appointments, improving the rate of the obnoxious trade of begging, praise singing, boot licking, unrefined sycophancy spiced with blackmail and ridicule and creating a bandwagon of miscreants, clowns and rogues as aides specifically for dirty jobs to please the cash cow that drives pleasure out of the nuisance for stability.
If truth must be told, who fixed charges for the use of the tractors by the owners and why? Why should revenues generated from public property channeled to the personal accounts of individuals on whose authority? Why should generated revenues be deployed to the political campaign of an individual who has pushed the federal constituency into retrogression for his personal advantage? The gullible are victims of extortion and stealing by their gluttonous leaders despite belonging to the same party. Those tractors in question belong to Wase federal constituency constituents not to any individual no matter whom he is. He is what he is to himself but not to the constituents because he has lost value to the survival of the people whose mandate he abuses with impunity and pride.
The constituents are shamelessly extorted and even denied free use of what rightly belongs to them by those political musketeers in their midst pretending to be leaders without a mandate. This is a criminal act probably studied from ‘Kennedy Business School Harvard’ not from ‘armed rubber’. The action must have originated from the thief of Hajj deposit and father to over 42 bastards roaming the streets of Abuja with some illegal pregnancies aborted.
In most cases, political office holders are in a rat race for filthy wealth accumulation against service delivery as the situation shows in Wase federal constituency. What ordinarily belongs to the people is diverted to personal use for greed, yet the idiots in their midst sing praises for crumbs while they continue to bleed internally.
When you find yourself as an aide to such poorly educated and exposed Nigerian politicians occupying political office, there are unwritten rules you have to obey if you so desire a stay or you will be booted out within the twinkling of an eye as what motivated those in Wase federal constituency to divert public revenues to the campaign of an individual.
Principles are nothing to a typical Nigerian politician most especially to those with poor upbringing, education, manners, sordid past and lacking exposure.
In fact, principles to a typical poorly educated Nigerian politician we heavy dose of unrefined village character are best for the dustbin. Obey your principal is the commanding order of the village tyrant. Your boss’s happiness supersedes every other thing. Be ready to learn how to tell lies because your boss is a liar, how to deceive, because your boss is a deceiver and how to pretend because the boss is a pretender and praise sing him for stay because he is a drowning compound fool.
Loyalty is 100 percent and disagreeing with your principal’s point of view no matter how faulty on issues amounts to disloyalty that may attract you a summary dismissal. There is something you must take as an injunction; your principal’s enemies and opponents are your enemies and opponents. You must tag them as your enemies and fight them, on behalf of your boss to survive. Give them a bloody nose. There is no limitation to the inherited enemies. You must be seen and heard fighting them for your boss as sign of loyalty. A familial relationship means nothing here. If your father opposes your principal, oppose your father for the love of your boss. If your mother speaks ill of your principal even his failure to deliver what is expected of him, he expects you to chastise her, and if your wife despises your boss for his glaring failure to deliver positive results, divorce her for his pleasure. You must see no evil, hear no evil and say no evil as far as your boss is concerned. If you don’t get this, forget about working with a typical Nigerian politician with low education and exposure for your peace and reputation.
I had witnessed two crude and pretentious loyalties at work. First, it was at a wedding fatiha held at NASCO Juma’at Mosque, Jos sometime last year. The wedding was attended by a cream of respected elites, traditional rulers, traditional titleholders, opinion and community leaders including a serving member of Plateau State Executive Council and one Ahmed Idris Maje, supposedly, the deputy speaker House of Representatives and member representing Wase federal constituency.
After the wedding solemnization, few people trooped to one of the exit doors to catch a glimpse of the Maje, and possibly to have a hand shake with him. I was shocked to the marrow and kept on wondering why and for what were those guys eager to catch a glimpse and shake from their representative? Does it mean he doesn’t interface and interact with them regularly? The scenario proved the existence of communication breakdown between that Maje and his constituents.
I watched the drama play as the Maje came to pass by my side while I was still in shock of how a political opportunist lives in a world of illusion shrouded by deceit of power.
I couldn’t believe what I witnessed that day. It was bootlicking at its best to a person I rate as one of those mere political toddlers without strong political credentials other than an opportunity accessed through deceit under the cover of religion and blackmail.
The second scenario was on Saturday, June 25, 2022 in the same Jos at the wedding fatiha of Hakilu Othman, supposedly an aide to same Ahmed Idris Maje. Majority of those who attended the wedding did so get mere recognition by that Maje as their representative in the House of Representatives but yet to stamp his footprints on the sands of time from public rating of his almost 16 years stay in representation. But if one may ask, what does Maje’s recognition or handshake stand for? Is it of any value to anyone? What does it amount to? To be considered for political appointment or fixed in any of the MDAs or to be able to access federal government disbursed social intervention palliatives or for what?
Anyway, most of those that attended the weddings were said to be aides to that Maje as I was later informed and should therefore celebrate the visible and invisible achievements of their boss like they are personal to them. They should be prepared to mourn his failures as though they are theirs. Follow his steps as though he is the oxygen that supplies them with life. They must always remember and act as though recruiting them was a once-in-a lifetime opportunity. They should always remember that as aides to a Nigerian politician with low quality performance and mentality, they should be prepared to defend his shortcomings and fight fiercely for his survival in government for them to survive.
It is true that looking power in the face helps leaders to be better leaders. But, remember always that this is Nigeria and politicians are gods to the idiots, small gods indeed with big egos—-egos that must be fanned and air conditioned by sycophancy and fortified by clowns and lapdogs. Tell the rogue that his agbada is powerful. Praise his pair of sandals, wristwatch or shoes. Hail his cap. Never you forget to, commend his strides, real or imagined. If you are the type who feels politicians with big houses, plenty of cars and other luxuries of life are wasteful, you must perish this through and never to express it to their hearing. Just praise his taste for luxuries. Admire his choices. Respect the position he occupies. Respect even the dog in the house he loves and the prostitute he visits.
Pay attention to your principal’s idiosyncrasies. If he is the type who likes small girls, those fine girls who like to flaunt flesh, then you have to know where and how to source them for him as part of your sycophancy. There is, however, a caveat: When you supply him babes, never let it be known to his wife that you play this important role to the boss. Remember, madam’s words can be law in the house and even in the office. So, balance the pendulum.
If your boss is the type who likes listening to his own voice, you better be ready to listen to him talking and talking and talking even if he stammers without interrupting him. Part of you will like to be tired but you have no option than to tolerate the rogue. When he asks for your opinion on an issue, give an opinion akin to the one he has expressed earlier on the issue not contrary. It is no time to be sanctimonious and blabbing about some nonsense principle. You have no principle other than that of your principal. By implication, you are a mere robot.
Always mention to him what a privilege it is working with him. Tell him that working with him is like going through training that was never offered in the university. In fact, liken what you have learnt at any business school including Harvard or an executive MBA.
There are times your principal will get angry, livid and mad, abusing you, calling you names and remind you how useless you are, this is not a time for you to say anything other than sorry sir. You must not make the mistake of complaining in the presence of fellow aides when offended by the boss. One of them or more will surely inform him to increase his rating as a more ‘sincere’ aide that should be better trusted. Even when you do not complain, a fellow aide can concoct lies against you to improve his rating for more trust. You worsen your case when you give the idiots attention as a tool to crush you. Your ranting can be recorded and played back to the ‘foolish unintelligent’ boss for action. It is a dog-eat-dog setting.
If you have a wife and children and they live in a town different from you, do not prioritize them over your boss by announcing to him every second that you want to go visiting your family. Leave your family out of your scope of duty with your boss. Let the boss feel he owns you. That way you gain more ranks from the foolish idiot. Leave seeing your family to when the boss travels out without you on the entourage or when he willingly asks you to go and spend a time with your family.
It is very essential that you must be in the good books of your principal’s wife or wives. Help her even when she needs no help. Carry her bag. Clean her mess. But, never divulge information about her husband’s extra-curricular activities to her.
Your phone must be reachable at all times. It is a sin punishable with summary dismissal if you cannot be reached when the boss needs you. In the presence of the boss, your phone must be on silence not to disturb the fool.
You must know how to aid and abet election rigging, snatch ballot boxes and disburse slash fund to miscreants to attack election officers to snatch the ballot boxes apart from vote buying. If you cannot do a combination of the stated offences, at least know how to master one so that you can win your polling booth and unit for the boss or his party. It is a cardinal sin for your boss to lose in your unit and your ward. Know this and you will have peace with your boss.
But when you get tired of the shenanigans that working with a poorly educated and unexposed Nigerian politician entails and you want to quit the job, please, quit from afar and go afar after quitting. The secrets in your hands can mark you out as a person of interest. Remember life has no duplicate. A typical poorly educated and unexposed Nigerian politician that has tasted power is akin to a death trap. He can do anything to remain in power including banditry, cultism, voodism and even fetishism. Feasting on human flesh and blood remains a delicacy of a typical poorly educated Nigerian politician in power. We are watching the drama play at a distance!
Muhammad is a commentator on national issues